I would really love to hear from other black women who are post chemo and having hair issues. Getting a regular Big Chop is completely different from having your hair fall out and getting down to the nitty gritty of your actual hair texture. As much as I love all of my transitioning sisters, I don’t know if your experience(s) can help me.

Last month, after being frustrated of watching my hair grow so slooooooow, I decided to get loc extensions. I was transitioning out of my perm in the summer of 2008. But as we all know, my hair fell out with chemo so I am now at “virgin” hair status.

So, I had the loc extensions added and this morning, the 4th one fell out. Again, my hair is uber straight right now. Even when it gets wet, you can still run your fingers through it because it has no naps. (Never thought I would miss my naps). The extensions are just sliding out! Don’t get me wrong, these locs are beautiful and the loctian gets mad respect! But it’s embarassing to be at work and a loc falls out! (Happened last week).

The problem is, my hair has been growing for about 6 months. In that time, its grown about 2 to 2.5″. But my hair is like a baby or a white woman’s hair. I have no idea of what my actual texture is or will be. I just talked to my mom and grilled her about my hair. It seems I never really had naps to begin with. She said my hair is like my Aunt Vickie’s (and auntie’s hair is slamming!) Mom suggested to be patient, (huh? what’s that?) take the locs out to avoid any more faux pas and to enjoy my hair. Since when did my mom get philosophical about hair??

I read in a book written by Oprah’s hairdresser to not fight your hair. That’s why our hair looks bad because we don’t go with the flow. I thought locs were going with the flow but obviously, it has other ideas. I really like my locs but if another one falls out, I’m taking them down and going for one of these options:

For those online friends who have kept up with me, my cancer and my life in general, you know that I have not had anyone here physically to be supportive throughout this ongoing drama called Kicking Cancer’s Ass.

I’ve had 2 people apologize already and I’m grateful that our friendships didn’t suffer. What these two people don’t realize is that I was never bitter towards them. Upset and disappointed but not bitter.

Yesterday, I received another apology that I was not expecting. If you go back to January, you will remember this:

One, who’s mom passed from breast cancer a few months ago, has literally disappeared off the face of the earth spending his inheritance. Thank goodness I wasn’t dumb enough to fall for the “whatever you need, I’ll get for you” line of crap.

It is an understatement to say I was angry with this particular person. I was angry, bitter and pissed off. Well, I received a letter and a subsequent call resulted from this person last night. Needless to say, I was shocked. I appreciate the apology and I’m glad they had a change of heart. However, his apology:

Doesn’t give me back the rides to chemo from a loved one instead of depending on strangers.

Doesn’t give me back those nights I cried thinking of how my death would affect my kids and no one there to rub my head and say, “Keep fighting!”

Doesn’t give me back the feeling of comfort and of being loved I should have had.

Doesn’t give me back the chance to have someone waiting for me (besides my mom) after surgery.

Doesn’t give me back the peace from not being frustrated of trying to find a ride to get to surgery and back home.

And his apology doesn’t give me back the piece of my heart that was hardened towards him.

This video shows my hair over the course of the past 16 months… I’m still amazed when I see it all together like this…

I’m 38! For those who have followed my journey, you know how special this birthday is to me. I never thought I was going to see my son play high school football or lil mama turn 4! We all know, in our subconscious, that we are going to die, but when you are told you have cancer, that is brought to the forefront and it really is all you think about.

I was reviewing what I wrote a year ago…

“My daughter will be 3 next month and if I pass away soon, she won’t remember much of me, so you can understand my concern for my son.”

And…

“So, I have some plans for the next 2 to 3 years. All involve money so I really need to either get a raise, win the lottery or get BPC into self-sufficiency.

1. Take the kids to Disney (what else did you expect?)
2. Visit Jerusalem.
3. Visit the islands and try parasailing (yeah, I know I can’t swim, shhh.)
4. Find a good man ready to take care of my kids after I’m gone. (This is about my dreams, remember?)”

Well, the past year has been spent 50% at work and 50% at the doctors (chemo, surgery, radiation,). Needless to say, I haven’t had much time to achieve any of the above goals. However, I have made some personal changes that are even more important:

1. I really do speak my mind now. I was to the point before, but if you don’t want the truth, then don’t ask me.

2. My relationship with my son has grown in a way that I never thought possible. We really are 2 partners in crime.

3. I’ve learned to accept me as I am and what I don’t like, I’m actually working on changing it.

I’m sure as I get older, my birthday musings won’t be so philosophical or thought provoking. If you follow me on Facebook, you already know I didn’t have a philosophical weekend!

No words…just eye candy

And what have YOU done to raise awareness for breast cancer? Read my post here to see why I am asking.

black Pearl Creations will be going through some changes in the next few weeks to months.

This feeling of urgency for a change started a couple of weeks ago when I posted my second pattern for sale. I am not going to become a millionaire on this one pattern, by no means, but I am making money. It seems there are a lot of crocheters out there thirsty for patterns! I am seeing a consistent selling of the slouch hat pattern. I am in the process of writing up the patterns for the swirl leg warmers, the Iola and the Aella.

I realized I am cheating myself (and other fiber artists) by not charging full price for my finished work. I was listening to the fearful economy talk and reducing my prices and using inferior materials. All that did was cheapen my company. I LOVE to create and to create via crochet. But I can’t be mainstream. I can’t make 50 hats and be happy. I also don’t get any satisfaction from using fibers that don’t promote Black Pearl Creations’ quality. I remember participating in craft shows with one of a kind pieces and selling out!

So I am going back to what Black Pearl Creations is known for: one of a kind hand crocheted clothing and accessories. Be on the lookout for my outerwear designs to be coming in the next couple of months. I will still list items on Etsy. However, each piece will be limited so if you don’t buy it when you see it, I’m sorry.

I entered LeShon into the Southpole Model Search! Please vote for him! I think it would be great if he won!

Southpole® National Model Search II Sponsored by Southpole®

If you read my last post, you would know there was some mild paranoia starting up in my head…

My paranoia has to do with the estrogen flowing in my body and some of the symptoms I am getting. It feels like I have milk (or something) leaking from my nipples, my brain feels like it’s swimming and I’m just feeling blah.

When I went in last week to the doctor, I told him my symptoms and he scheduled an emergency mammogram.

I missed my appointment. Definitely not on purpose but now I have to suffer through another 3 days before I know anything for sure.

My gut, mommy intuition, I know everything feeling?

The cancer has spread to my left breast.

As I explained to my mom, I’m ok because I was still in the middle of treatment. It’s not as if I have been cancer free for 10 years and then bam! I have to deal with this crap again. I know the physical, mental and emotional obstacles that come with this.

I was explaining some positive aspects to my mom the other day: more weight loss and my boobs will be even.

But still.

I don’t want to go through it again.

Stay tuned.

I would be so friggin’ happy to see my period! Ok, maybe I need to take a step back and explain.

In the breast cancer world, not only do you deal with the regular cancer stuff but you also have to deal with specific female issues. Looks, self-esteem (or lack thereof) and motherhood are all things that have to be dealt with. I just turned 37 when I was diagnosed and was told I may be pushed into and through menopause from the chemo. I was also told that a decision to have another child needed to be made so we can harvest my eggs. I decided not to have my eggs harvested because, to be honest, I couldn’t think that far ahead. As I got into treatment, I was angry that the CHOICE to have another child was being taken away from me without my input. Whether or not I would actually put myself through that toture again is completely besides the point. I wanted the option of having a choice.

So, without being graphic, things happened today and come to find my body has not been pushed through menopause! I can admit, I was very excited. It was almost like my body is getting back to normal! AND I got that choice back!!

Almost.

On the flip side (and with cancer there is ALWAYS a flip side) the presence of my period means there is estrogen flowing in my system. My cancer feeds off estrogen so this is actually a potentially dangerous situation. This could feed into any microscopic cells and become aggressive and turn into my second bout with cancer. Can you say paranoid?

I can’t even describe the emotions running through my head at the point. And don’t want to even try to right now.