In a better mood

It’s only the 3rd week of the new year and I already need to vent?? This does not bode well for 2012.

1. My B average at school sucks. I have 8 classes to go and even with A’s, I’m not going to make cum laude. If only you had any idea of how disappointed I am in myself. I could blame my health, being beaten, taking care of 2 kids on my own and a myriad of other things but the blame lies within me. I’m just not as smart as I thought and I have the audacity to think I can be accepted into Harvard’s PhD/JD program. Not.

2. A few of my friends have turned 40 in the last few months and they don’t look it. I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. (Doesn’t help that everyone sees a picture of my mom and says we look alike). I even tried to find some makeup while the fiance was visiting. Um, let’s just say that didn’t go too well and I washed it off as soon as I got home. My health (or lack of it) is manifesting in my looks and it’s ugly. And then trying to be a secure, confident fiance on top of that is not easy.

3. Speaking of health, the doctor’s visit was so much fun last week. I have 2 more follow up appointments for my liver and breast pain. I’m back on my meds with the crazy side effects because everyone else seems to think a 10% survival rate is better than 0%. Personally, I would rather deal with the devil I know than the one I don’t.

4. My neighbors are driving me up the wall with their loud music, TV’s and the little drummer boy.

5. My business is just not where is could be. I see other business owners opening shops, getting onto TV, getting celebrity endorsements, etc. I make a sale when I reduce prices by 80%. I know I make quality items but no one sees it enough to pay what the items are worth. I looked over competitors’ websites last week and some have over 1100 sales in the last 2 years. I have 87 in 4 years. What am I missing on that one??

6. My spiritual life is a disaster. I’m too weak to take a stand and I’m completely ashamed.

I’m just not having a good day. Do I feel better? A little. My fiance hates the fact I blog about every little thing. I just need him to understand this is cheaper and less inconvenient than me being committed to a facility. o_0

One of our engagement photos

I’ve decided to jump on the bandwagon and be retrospective and philosophical. Ok, if you know me, then you know I’m not either one of those; just a smarty pants!

I could say I wish 2011 never happened but after looking at my year in review, it was interesting to say the least.

2011: That pesky cancer came back.
Results: I got a mastectomy and a tummy tuck! I look fantastic in jeans now that I no longer have a kangaroo pouch!!

2011: I had my first experience with domestic violence.
Results: If not for his stupidity, I wouldn’t be with my honey bunny today.

2011: School kicked my butt.
Results: I completed 10 classes in 2011 with an above average GPA. One more year and then law school!

2011: I turned 40 this year.
Results: I’m a cancer survivor; ’nuff said!

I was also baptized this year. And my honey bunny is showing me that cancer doesn’t have to encompass our lives. Shout out to him for opening my eyes to living.

The date is December 30, 2012. <3

The Ring

I am engaged.

Read that again. Now, think about me, my trials and tribulations. I never thought I would be able to say those three words again but here I am.

Everything in my Etsy shop is 50% off until I raise the $200. The coupon code is: SALEFORTHECELL. Please think of gifts or something for yourself and please share this with others!

You can shop at my Etsy shop.

I appreciate you spreading the word. Thank you.

It's a cake!

This is a cake too!

In 22 days I will be 40 years old. I’m sure many women groan at this milestone, I’m truly thankful to have made it. As a young girl, I never thought I would make it to 30, let alone 40. And if we calculate each month having a straight 30 days and a year is really 360 days, I was actually 40 back in June. o_0

Let’s stick to the regular calculations, shall we?

There were some goals I had in mind as a teenager to accomplish before a certain age (I didn’t dwell on an early death but I did think of it from time to time). Unfortunately, I didn’t achieve a single goal.

1. I didn’t graduate college and become a kick butt attorney.
2. I didn’t become a Senator (or President).
3. I didn’t have a lasting marriage.
I didn’t make it to the Caribbean.

There are other things that I’ve accomplished and reading them, I realize I’ve had a very stressful life.

1. I did survive a divorce.
2. I did survive homelessness.
3. I did survive the question of where to spend my last $5: on diapers or food when food is expensive and diapers are $6.99. (Shout out to that old lady so many years ago who put $5 in my hand while I was begging the cashier at the drug store to allow me to buy the diapers on credit). *pause*
4. I did survive a cross-country bus trip with a 3 year old, $200 and my tennis racquet to a place where I didn’t know a living soul.
5. I survived evictions, car repos, lights turned off, hunger and other things that some of you right now have also gone through but you just judged me.
6. I’ve survived domestic violence.
7. I’ve survived cancer.

My life is NOTHING like I planned. I always thought a person’s success was based upon their career. To be honest, in some ways, I still do think this way. Yes, I have 2 wonderful children. One of them is almost out the door and in the blink of an eye, lil mama will be leaving too. After that, I’ve left no mark on the world. When I die, all people can say is “she was a decent mom”. I want more for myself. That’s part of the reason why I went back to school: to feel like somebody. To those who did not know me as a child, you can’t possibly understand what I’m saying. My friends who know me know exactly what I’m talking about…I was voted “Most Likely to Succeed” by my classmates in high school. Sure, it’s just a little title but I wanted to succeed. I wanted to succeed at succeeding. I’m on the verge of becoming truly esoteric and I just can’t jump off that cliff right now.

What I can say is I love my children but I do not believe there is anything wrong in having an existence outside of them. Right now, my existence has no meaning outside of my children. I want to change that.

I came across this post on “Breast Canceropoly“. Basically, it’s about how some women compare their diagnosis to other women to see who has/had it worse. I don’t know if I played the game (and if I have, I invite people to let me know in the comments section). But what I do know is I have my own journey and I really don’t want anyone else’s.

Do you think a woman with Stage 2 is better off than Stage 4? Does a single mom deserve that much more credit for going through treatment on her own than a woman who is lucky enough to have a SO or family and friends nearby to help (yep, I’m still bitter on that one).

Hmmm…I suppose I have played the game. But it wasn’t to make myself feel better as the author claims. As a matter of fact, I get downright depressed thinking about it. Yeah, yeah, I did it. But by myself. I’m sorry but as mean-spirited as it sounds, I am pissed this happened to me in the situation I was in at the time. And in that same vein, I don’t want to hear how great your boyfriend, husband treats you at this time. And keeping with the honesty, sometimes I think it’s said on purpose, to hurt me.

Do not pass “Go”.

For some reason the words “he stated he would kill her” didn’t evoke the same emotional response. That just pissed me off.

I was on the phone with a friend last night and I was getting angry at the prospect of talking to the prosecutor. I had all kinds of theories in mind as to why he wanted to talk to me. I rarely have to do this but I have to admit I was wrong. They just wanted to let me know the next step, my rights (thank goodness I still have some) and that they will consult me on all decisions.

One decision to be made is lil mama testifying. *crickets*

For now, I don’t have to relive this nightmare until possibly March.