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Recurrence Is An Evil Word

If you read my last post, you would know there was some mild paranoia starting up in my head…

My paranoia has to do with the estrogen flowing in my body and some of the symptoms I am getting. It feels like I have milk (or something) leaking from my nipples, my brain feels like it’s swimming and I’m just feeling blah.

When I went in last week to the doctor, I told him my symptoms and he scheduled an emergency mammogram.

I missed my appointment. Definitely not on purpose but now I have to suffer through another 3 days before I know anything for sure.

My gut, mommy intuition, I know everything feeling?

The cancer has spread to my left breast.

As I explained to my mom, I’m ok because I was still in the middle of treatment. It’s not as if I have been cancer free for 10 years and then bam! I have to deal with this crap again. I know the physical, mental and emotional obstacles that come with this.

I was explaining some positive aspects to my mom the other day: more weight loss and my boobs will be even.

But still.

I don’t want to go through it again.

Stay tuned.

Who Knew…?

I would be so friggin’ happy to see my period! Ok, maybe I need to take a step back and explain.

In the breast cancer world, not only do you deal with the regular cancer stuff but you also have to deal with specific female issues. Looks, self-esteem (or lack thereof) and motherhood are all things that have to be dealt with. I just turned 37 when I was diagnosed and was told I may be pushed into and through menopause from the chemo. I was also told that a decision to have another child needed to be made so we can harvest my eggs. I decided not to have my eggs harvested because, to be honest, I couldn’t think that far ahead. As I got into treatment, I was angry that the CHOICE to have another child was being taken away from me without my input. Whether or not I would actually put myself through that toture again is completely besides the point. I wanted the option of having a choice.

So, without being graphic, things happened today and come to find my body has not been pushed through menopause! I can admit, I was very excited. It was almost like my body is getting back to normal! AND I got that choice back!!

Almost.

On the flip side (and with cancer there is ALWAYS a flip side) the presence of my period means there is estrogen flowing in my system. My cancer feeds off estrogen so this is actually a potentially dangerous situation. This could feed into any microscopic cells and become aggressive and turn into my second bout with cancer. Can you say paranoid?

I can’t even describe the emotions running through my head at the point. And don’t want to even try to right now.

Leg Warmer Layaway is Up!

Make your deposit now! Pay over 4 weeks. Offer ends Novemver 15th.

2009 Holiday Season Layaway is Up!

Well, 78 days until Christmas. Pick up your jaw off the floor. Trust me, I had the same reaction.

This holiday season, many people want to get gifts for their loved ones but aren’t sure of how they are going to be able to afford it. Layaway. I remember it from my childhood and my first few years as a single mom to my now 14 year old. It was convenient, forced me to purchase carefully and what a delight my son had on Christmas morning!

With many people out of work and others facing pay freezes or cuts, I decided to offer layaway on some items. You can visit my Etsy shop to see what’s available. You can purchase through Etsy vis Paypal or email me and we can work out the details.

Always remember, other colors and sizes are always available. So if you don’t see what you want, let me know.

The following rules apply:

1. 10% non-refundable deposit for ready made items. $5 is the minimum deposit for ANY item.

2. 20% non-refundable deposit for custom made items.

3. You have 4 weeks to pay. I don’t care if you wait until the last day. However, if you don’t pay the balance, you lose the item and your deposit.

4. Let me know if you want to layaway so I can make a listing for you.

5. Stop by my shop, browse and pick up some lovely gifts for friends/family and yourself!

A Different Perspective on Breast Cancer Awareness Month

So, here it is…October. Breast Cancer Awareness month. I never, ever paid attention to it before. This year? My mind is infused with it. I think of nothing else. I badger complete strangers to get a mammogram. I donate. I volunteer. I prosletize. And I cry. I do this on a regular basis so it’s a part of my routine.

However, many jump on the bandwagon because it’s the “in” thing. I just cuss those people out and keep moving. I have no time nor desire to be this month’s Disease of the Month. In November, everyone will forget about this horrible disease and the women it destroys in its wake.

You want to be aware of breast cancer? Find a woman who is suffering and be there for her. There is nothing worse than going through this alone. Nothing. I know. I had to endure that. And I think that’s why I’m writing this. I’m pissed off that so many people don’t take this seriously.

It’s a fad.

It’s a chance to get things in pink.

It’s a chance to be a part of the crowd.

Yeah, I love pink. And Im offended that people think I wear my pink ribbon to be a part of a group. Hello! Do you see the lack of hair and lopsided breasts through my shirt! I’m an actual person fighting this shit!

But who the frig cares if you are AWARE of breast cancer? Everyone is aware of it! Do something! As I’ve heard it said: Don’t talk about it, be about it.

* Volunteer

* Donate time and/or money. Every minute and every dollar is needed and appreciated. Nothing is too small to give. Nothing.

* Join Spirit Jump and lift the spirits of a woman at home, after chemo, no hair, no breasts and no hope. My Spirit Jumpers were awesome and truly worked in helping me and my kids keep our hopes up.

Please understand, in the time it took you to read this, a woman was just diagnosed and another woman died. It’s not a game, a joke or a status symbol for peopl to feel holier-than-thou. It’s people’s lives.

Be aware of that!

*Sigh*

Ok, God, is there any particular reason you wanted me to look like a complete idiot for almost a year now? I’ve been bald since January 7, 2009 (Yes, I keep track. Wouldn’t YOU??) That day, my hair came out in clumps and I cried. I then manned up, dealt with it and moved on. I went through the chemo, the radiation, the surgery, the emotions, the finances, the loneliness, the surgery, the fatigue, everything with some semblance of grace if I do say so myself. I owe that strength to You even if I didn’t acknowledge it publicly before now. So, can I get some hair in return, please? No, scratch that, because You are a jokester. Can I get some nice hair that I can style, that is my own natural hair (don’t send me enough money to buy a new wig) please?

I do have hair and yes, I am grateful for this little bit of hair I have, however, You are making my commitment to stay natural extremely, extremely (see my gritted teeth?) difficult!

I’m giving You two options:

1. You can just curl up everything overnight and give me a kick butt TWA. Right now, it’s semi-curly on top and straight on the sides. I’m not even being given the honor of looking like a chia pet! Not cute. Not. Cute. At. All.

2. Your other option is to keep the semi-curls and straightness but grow it out overnight. It’s too short AND too long! WTF!

Work with me here, ok? I know I was prideful in my appearance but I was just working with the itsy bitsy little you gave me to work with. Yeah, yeah, it’s nice having brains but heck, to have shiny, curly (or straight) full hair wouldn’t have been too hard for you to add to the mix. Are you trying to tell me parting the Red Sea was easier than giving me nice hair? ((crickets cricketing))

I suppose this is all coming up because:

1. I had a bad hair morning. I’m wearing a wig as I type. And wearing a wig is a pain in the butt. I used to love wearing them but there is nothing like having my natural hair flowing (well, ok, it doesn’t flow right now) but you know what I mean. Nothing is working on my hair now, either. Which, this fact, I learn as I am getting ready this morning. Overnight, my hair decided to switch the gameplan and no longer play nice.

2. AND one of my Facebook friends decided to express what was on her heart about being a single woman (she’s married). THEN everyone who commented was so chipper about being single! I wanted to scream, “All of you have hair! How am I supposed to wait for the right one when they all look right past me! Hello! I’m bald and have 1.5 titties! No one is knocking down my door to get to me!”

Those of you with hair think that hair doesn’t matter but it does. Ask your male best friend, your brothers, cousins, any black man and he will say hair matters. And the other half of you are saying, “Why do you want a shallow man who only wants you for your looks?” I don’t but I do want a man who finds me attractive enough to chase me around the coffee table once in a while and then can discuss the anthropologial aspects of why men feel it’s natural to chase their beloved around the coffee table! The guys who dated me for my brains didn’t have any themselves. I want to be told I am pretty once in a while. And if someone tells me that now, they are either lying or sucking up because we know a bald woman with 1.5 titties ain’t pretty.

And that’s what men look at: our shell. Is there one out there willing to crack my shell to get to the truffle inside??

Hair and men. Men and hair. Good grief. If God wanted me to stop obessesing about either one, then he shouldn’t have picked me to have breast cancer.

*sigh*

My 5 Fall Fashion Must Have’s

As an upcoming fashion designer, I never really give too much thought to those “must have” lists. I figure I set the trends, so why follow others? Then I thought why not make up my own! So, here are my 5 fall fashion must have’s for 2009:

1. Leg Warmers! Worn with skirts and longer shorts, leg warmers are not only a great way to keep warm but also a way to stand out from the crowd!

2. Sweater Tunics! These pieces are fabulous with jeans, leggings, leg warmers, boots or heels! (Photo courtesy of Gap)

3. Capes! While pea-coats are a staple of winter, the cape is THE coat for the fall! It looks great with dresses or can be dressed down for a casual city chic look.

4. Pageboy Hats! Fall weather brings crisp days and rain! A stylish way to keep warm and protect your hair is with a pageboy hat! These never go out of style!

5. Leggings! Don’t think of Flashdance! No picture is needed for this multi-seasonal staple! They do have leggings that look like tights and they are highly unattractive. The leggings that have a denser composition are flattering and warm. Wear them as suggested above or with a tee and wide belt!

These are my Fab 5 for Fall! What are yours? Do you blog about fashion? You can share your must have’s here! You can shop for these trend setting looks and get coupons here!

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I MADE IT!!!!

Yes, I crossed that finish line! Granted, I stumbled across it but I did finish all 26.2 miles on my oh so sore feet! I went into shock afterwards and had to be bundled in one of those foil blankets. Of course, all of the police and EMT’s were gorgeous looking men and I was looking a hot mess! But I digress…I’m too wiped to type much more.

And to be honest, unless you were there, you can’t appreciate Heartbreak Hill, the blisters, my new friends Cindy and Debby, the Wellesley women with their fancy running outfits, Michelle the nursing student limping with me for 2 miles, the tears of pain, the determination to show cancer can’t stop me, running into my ex in downtown Boston and him looking scared (priceless!) the kids giving out popsicles, the torturous shuttle ride (can you say going the wrong way onto a freeway?) the one man telling me to keep going, “You kicked her ass once, now do it again!” nor the Finish Line. No, you can’t appreciate it.

My mom already called this morning to tell me she may join me next year. This morning, when I had to crawl out of bed, I said I would never walk again. Now that I’ve reviewed what my day was like, I think I will do it again.

Will you join me?

Little Girl’s Hat and Matching Leg Warmers!

I will be posting this set for sale over the upcoming weekend.

The sets will be made from Japanese wool and will be self-striping. They will be hand crocheted and fit little girls ages 3 to 6 years old. You can email me to pre-order before the holiday rush. To ensure a proper fit, I will need a head circumference size and the size around the calf. You can also order from my Etsy shop when I have these up.